Image by bupowski via Flickr

2011 was a pretty good year for me, personally. I bought my first car, ended up with my first full-time job, and lost over 20 lbs. Oh, and I got braces (a lifelong dream, and anyone that knows me knows I’m not even being sarcastic). It was a fantastic year compared to 2010. I don’t even know what was going on that year, it was like being bullied by the universe.

This isn’t to say that 2011 didn’t have it’s downsides and that 2010 was a complete loss. In 2010 I went to The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, which will remain among my favorite memories forever. I also bought my first smartphone. It’s cool. I have, however, discovered I spent over $1k on cell phone bills in 2011, so that sucks. New Year’s Resolution: find a less expensive cell phone provider.

So while it’s fun to look back on a year and decide if it was a complete success or a total waste of time, it is very rarely either and very usually a little of both. But I’m gonna put myself closer to the “success” end of the spectrum since I have a car, a house, a job, friends and family that tolerate me (and that I love very much), and a computer with internet so I can complain about my cell phone bill.

Disclaimer: These are not job hunting tips.  If there is anything resembling “advice” in the following article, please use discretion when applying it to your own job search.

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Finding a job has become a test of knowing the latest trends in résumé writing and knowing how to answer ridiculous interview questions.  After 3+ years experience applying for jobs (and even getting some), I have concluded that looking for a job is frustratingly stupid.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to not do any work to find a job, especially in this economy.*  But with the amount of résumés floating around, you’d think there would be plenty of jobs out there for “résumé readers”.  According to this article over at New Grad Life, résumé readers don’t even have time to scan through a document, let alone read it in it’s entirety.  They’re not getting paid extra for that, apparently.

Most readers are in a bad mood, not a happy mood of eager expectancy. They’ve got 300 resumes to read, and nobody is giving them an extra penny to carefully peruse each one. They are rushed for time, annoyed at having to read yet another resume, and hostile rather than sympathetic. Reading yet another resume is a burden that is keeping them from their attention to what they consider much, much more important matters.

If you are a “résumé reader,” what the hell else do you have to do besides read résumés?  I would love a job where I get paid to not do what I’m getting paid for.  Where can I sign up?  It doesn’t seem the sort of job for which I would need to send in my résumé.

Three years ago when I was searching for internships, the trick was action verbs.  Luckily, I had lots of experience assisting, organizing, and maintaining.  Technique has changed over the years, but no one cares:

They are unimpressed by the latest resume “fad.” For a long time, it was (and to a great extent still is) ‘verbs.’ Since a verb is an action word, we think, the reader will be impressed by lots of great verbs. They’re not. The latest craze is numbers. You’ve got to have lots of quantitative data in your resume, or no one will take you seriously.

You read it here, folks.  If you want your résumé considered, don’t use verbs or numbers.

I love the first tip:

Resume readers are some of the smartest and most skeptical readers in the world. They know that at least half of what they read consists of lies, exaggerations, half-truths, and semantic and formatting “tricks.” They don’t accept anything at face value. Remember, the typical resume reader sees literally thousands; they know every trick in the book by now.

Which sums up everything I want to say.  Don’t even bother knowing the tricks, because they don’t want to see that stuff.   You can be the most qualified person in the galaxy but if Joe “résumé reader” Schmo doesn’t like the border around your header, you can start packing your bags for Andromeda now.  Send in a drawing of an apple with your phone number and if he likes apples, maybe you’ll get a call!

I don’t even know where to start with job interviews.  If they don’t like your nose or the way your shirt’s sleeve sits on your arm, forget it.  You can read yourself silly with everything out there concerning job interviews.  It all comes down to knowing exactly what they want to hear and whether or not the interviewer likes you.  Of course I understand that they wouldn’t want to hire someone that wouldn’t get along well with the other employees and would destroy the general vibe of the office, but is this always so obvious in an interview?  I’m completely different in job interviews than I am when I’m in the middle of eight hours of data entry.

The questions, though.  The questions. You will be asked very general questions and you must have very specific answers.  There is not much chance you will know exactly what the interviewer wants to hear, so it’s best to be truthful and “be yourself”.  But sometimes you know that the truthful answer is not the one they want to hear.  For example, if I was asked the question “What’s the most recent book you’ve read?”, the truthful answer would be “I can’t remember because I rarely read books.”**  So now I must lie.  I could say I just finished reading War and Peace, or more likely for me, ask if Star Ocean: The Second Story counts as a book.***  Lots of reading!

The biggest factor in a job interview is nerves.  If average social interactions make you as nervous as they do for me, job interviews will be near impossible.  Most of the time I am a nervous wreck of nervousness and wreckiness.  I have to admit that I have improved this flaw exponentially over the years but 0 to the 3rd power is still only 1.  Or 0, or something, whatever, I haven’t taken a math class in √36 years.  My best interview ever was with two people for which I had spent the previous few months working, because I knew them, what they wanted to hear, and even their sense of humor.  And I still didn’t get the job.

But don’t give up hope, the right job is out there for you.  Now just make sure you use the correct font on your résumé for that job.

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Note: I have never attained a job through an interview.  My two main sources of income have been through jobs where I was hired on the basis of my prior experience and because I have a pulse.  I really suck at job interviews, and no amount of preparation has ever changed the outcome.  In fact, I had a really awful phone interview for an internship a few years ago.  I was asked why I should be considered over the thousands of other applicants, and after careful thought, I responded with “I don’t know”.  I ended up getting that internship.

*Who else is sick of using/hearing the expression “in this economy”?  If we didn’t have to spend so much time worrying about which style of bullet points we’re using on our cover letter, maybe we could get to work fixing the economy.
**They’re all fact, no heart.
***I was once asked “Tell me something interesting about yourself” and responded “I am a Lord of the Rings fan.“  Didn’t get that job.

A woman was at the hairdresser getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty . . . you’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” the woman replied. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to see the Vatican and maybe even get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman returned for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

“He said, ‘Who fucked up your hair?’”

Another season of American Idol is underway, and another round of American Idol Challenge is about to begin. This year you can find the game at AIChallenge.net, so make sure you update your bookmarks.

The Basics
AI Challenge was created and is maintained by my friend Melissa. As you can imagine, she is a huge fan of American Idol. Melissa began AI Challenge for Season 4 on a little Geocities website, moved the game to a Mac page for Season 7, and recently moved the game again to it’s own webpage, all ready to go for Season 8!  There is a also a great facebook group you can join and chat with other players.

As the winner of AI Challenge Season 5 and a personal friend of Melissa’s, I know a thing or two about the game. You do not need to have watched any previous season of American Idol or even the beginning of Season 8 to play! As long as you start watching and playing on February 17th, you have a chance of winning AI Challenge.

The Website
There are quite a few pages over at AI Challenge, and while it’s pretty easy to figure out what each page features, here is a list to clarify exactly what each page is for.

• Home – Get the latest information about the game and catch up with a quick recap of the previous episode.
• Play – Make your picks for the week!
• Rules – The rules are listed here if you’re new to the game or need a refresher.
• Scores – See where you stack up against the other players!
• Previously – A handy page that lists the most important contestants from each week of the competition.
• Blog – Melissa’s thoughts on each episode.

Tips
It may be difficult to keep track of all the contestants at first, especially now that the show will feature a Top 36. So grab a notebook and keep a list of each contestant and how well you think they performed. I use a scale of 1 – 10, considering what I think of them and also what I think the rest of America will think. It’s all about thinking. You can also make note of what song they sang, what they were wearing (if Paula is your favorite judge), or if they are particularly cute. I usually indicate this last one by drawing a tiny heart next to the performer’s name. <3

You don’t have to make up your mind right away.  Check the Home page and see by what time and day you absolutely need to get your vote in, then let the performances sink in for a while.  Just make sure you don’t forget to vote!  Then again, you may want to go with your first instinct on the night of the performances.  Try both strategies and see which one works best for you.

That’s everything you need to know before you begin your journey to American Idol Challenge Champion! You can click here to play now!

NOTE: AI Challenge is for fun and players do not receive any prizes, other than the title AI Challenge Champion.

Write a story involving a squirrel, some dental floss, and some duct tape, and ending with the words “and that is how I saved the world.”

I had always used cinnamon dental floss, up until now. All my friend had in her bathroom was mint floss, and I had forgotten mine back in Ithaca. I was forced to use it, and found it refreshingly new and different. Though still not quite cinnamon-y enough.

As I entered my friend’s living room, I found her digging through my purse.

“A duct tape wallet!” she said excitedly, waving my wallet in the air. “Did you make it yourself?”

“Uh, yeah,” I responded.

“Cool,” she said, and threw my purse at me. She grabbed her own and we headed out the back door.

A squirrel jumped off the banister and scuttled up the nearest tree. I noticed some more squirrels running in circles in the garden.

“You sure have a lot of squirrels in this area,” I said to my friend.

“Yeah, I’ve been convinced since I was a little girl that they have some sort of conspiracy going or something,” my friend chuckled.

Suddenly, the squirrel in the nearest tree jumped and landed on my friend’s head. She screamed, and I turned just in time to see the squirrels from the garden heading straight toward me. But these were no ordinary squirrels. Their eyes glowed red and their tails seemed to be made of some sort of metallic material. My CIA training kicked in and I dropped to the ground just as the squirrels lunged for my face. They collided with the squirrel on my friend’s head and all three hit the side of the house with a loud screech.

Something told me this was not the end of this squirrel battle. I grabbed my friend by the shoulders and steered her into the house, locking the door behind us.

“What are we going to do?” she asked me frantically.

“We need to find the Queen Squirrel,” I told her, “if we destroy the Queen, we’ll destroy them all.”

“But where will we find the Queen?” she asked, not questioning my sanity, for she too had seen the craziness in the squirrels’ red eyes.

I thought for a few moments, recalling my months of intensive squirrel lore research. “What is the location of your city’s largest oak tree?”

“Why, my own backyard!” my friend answered. “My family has always prided –”

“Great!” I shouted, not believing my luck. A chance to bring down the SRS*, right in my own friend’s backyard! I ran upstairs, grabbed some mint dental floss, and journeyed back outside.

Scaling the largest tree, I warded off the guard squirrels easily enough, when I found myself approaching the nest of the Queen Squirrel. She exited the nest proudly, and announced with a scoff, “Give it up, girl, you will never foil me now, especially since I am so close to unleashing my plan for world domination.”

She never expected what was coming next. I lunged, wrapping the mint floss around her tiny squirrel neck. She fell out of the tree, and was soon followed by the rest of the robot squirrels, screeching and sparking as they plummeted to the earth.

And that is how I saved the world.

* Society of Robot Squirrels

Also, I want an iPhone. Hm? What?