Job searching is bogus

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Disclaimer: These are not job hunting tips.  If there is anything resembling “advice” in the following article, please use discretion when applying it to your own job search.

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Finding a job has become a test of knowing the latest trends in résumé writing and knowing how to answer ridiculous interview questions.  After 3+ years experience applying for jobs (and even getting some), I have concluded that looking for a job is frustratingly stupid.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to not do any work to find a job, especially in this economy.*  But with the amount of résumés floating around, you’d think there would be plenty of jobs out there for “résumé readers”.  According to this article over at New Grad Life, résumé readers don’t even have time to scan through a document, let alone read it in it’s entirety.  They’re not getting paid extra for that, apparently.

Most readers are in a bad mood, not a happy mood of eager expectancy. They’ve got 300 resumes to read, and nobody is giving them an extra penny to carefully peruse each one. They are rushed for time, annoyed at having to read yet another resume, and hostile rather than sympathetic. Reading yet another resume is a burden that is keeping them from their attention to what they consider much, much more important matters.

If you are a “résumé reader,” what the hell else do you have to do besides read résumés?  I would love a job where I get paid to not do what I’m getting paid for.  Where can I sign up?  It doesn’t seem the sort of job for which I would need to send in my résumé.

Three years ago when I was searching for internships, the trick was action verbs.  Luckily, I had lots of experience assisting, organizing, and maintaining.  Technique has changed over the years, but no one cares:

They are unimpressed by the latest resume “fad.” For a long time, it was (and to a great extent still is) ‘verbs.’ Since a verb is an action word, we think, the reader will be impressed by lots of great verbs. They’re not. The latest craze is numbers. You’ve got to have lots of quantitative data in your resume, or no one will take you seriously.

You read it here, folks.  If you want your résumé considered, don’t use verbs or numbers.

I love the first tip:

Resume readers are some of the smartest and most skeptical readers in the world. They know that at least half of what they read consists of lies, exaggerations, half-truths, and semantic and formatting “tricks.” They don’t accept anything at face value. Remember, the typical resume reader sees literally thousands; they know every trick in the book by now.

Which sums up everything I want to say.  Don’t even bother knowing the tricks, because they don’t want to see that stuff.   You can be the most qualified person in the galaxy but if Joe “résumé reader” Schmo doesn’t like the border around your header, you can start packing your bags for Andromeda now.  Send in a drawing of an apple with your phone number and if he likes apples, maybe you’ll get a call!

I don’t even know where to start with job interviews.  If they don’t like your nose or the way your shirt’s sleeve sits on your arm, forget it.  You can read yourself silly with everything out there concerning job interviews.  It all comes down to knowing exactly what they want to hear and whether or not the interviewer likes you.  Of course I understand that they wouldn’t want to hire someone that wouldn’t get along well with the other employees and would destroy the general vibe of the office, but is this always so obvious in an interview?  I’m completely different in job interviews than I am when I’m in the middle of eight hours of data entry.

The questions, though.  The questions. You will be asked very general questions and you must have very specific answers.  There is not much chance you will know exactly what the interviewer wants to hear, so it’s best to be truthful and “be yourself”.  But sometimes you know that the truthful answer is not the one they want to hear.  For example, if I was asked the question “What’s the most recent book you’ve read?”, the truthful answer would be “I can’t remember because I rarely read books.”**  So now I must lie.  I could say I just finished reading War and Peace, or more likely for me, ask if Star Ocean: The Second Story counts as a book.***  Lots of reading!

The biggest factor in a job interview is nerves.  If average social interactions make you as nervous as they do for me, job interviews will be near impossible.  Most of the time I am a nervous wreck of nervousness and wreckiness.  I have to admit that I have improved this flaw exponentially over the years but 0 to the 3rd power is still only 1.  Or 0, or something, whatever, I haven’t taken a math class in √36 years.  My best interview ever was with two people for which I had spent the previous few months working, because I knew them, what they wanted to hear, and even their sense of humor.  And I still didn’t get the job.

But don’t give up hope, the right job is out there for you.  Now just make sure you use the correct font on your résumé for that job.

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Note: I have never attained a job through an interview.  My two main sources of income have been through jobs where I was hired on the basis of my prior experience and because I have a pulse.  I really suck at job interviews, and no amount of preparation has ever changed the outcome.  In fact, I had a really awful phone interview for an internship a few years ago.  I was asked why I should be considered over the thousands of other applicants, and after careful thought, I responded with “I don’t know”.  I ended up getting that internship.

*Who else is sick of using/hearing the expression “in this economy”?  If we didn’t have to spend so much time worrying about which style of bullet points we’re using on our cover letter, maybe we could get to work fixing the economy.
**They’re all fact, no heart.
***I was once asked “Tell me something interesting about yourself” and responded “I am a Lord of the Rings fan.“  Didn’t get that job.

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